I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
