Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
