So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
