it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
