Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
