i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm just crazy horny about you
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
