Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
