I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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