Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
