Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Sober January is a disaster.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize