if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
