How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
