I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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