On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
