Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
