Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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