that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
ttyl tear gas
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
