Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
