: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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