all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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