I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
