Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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