look no pants
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
