I wish my penis had an off switch
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
