My room smells like vodka and shame
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
