dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
