also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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