6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
