Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
