I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
