babies were throwing up all over the place
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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