hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
