I think I died a long time ago.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
