Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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