no, he came in my armpit
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
