I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
