So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
