I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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