dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
someone owes me an orgasm
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
