just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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