i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
