You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
we're so committed to being not committed
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
