Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
