She is in my trunk
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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