I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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