I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
