Im at strip club and am horny
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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