Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
In America we eat man semen.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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