So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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