Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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