So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
