do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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