Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize