our cab driver is having phone sex.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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