My first STD was from a foam party
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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