I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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