As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
