This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
